Humor

Damsel suggested I resurect this piece from the old database . . .

Daily, I commute through southwestern Los Angeles County, amongst this blue-state’s worst drivers. Many of them are on the wireless as they commute (I estimate a fourth of them). Damsel and I came up with a list of potential motivations for this phenomenon:

The top 10 reasons to use your wireless while driving:

• 10. Using the wireless while carpooling allows you to avoid boring conversations with the moron carpooler(s).
• 9. If you roll down your windows while using the wireless, you can impress persons within earshot about how important your conversations are. This also applies to non-driving use of the wireless in public.
• 8. You can demonstrate your superior ability to multitask between high-tech wireless communicating and using one hand to control your 3500 pound SUV in rush-hour traffic.
• 7. You can become the center of attention when the enraged driver behind you begins honking the horn while you fumble with dialing a number after the light turns green.
• 6. You have the satisfaction of having the ability to adroitly switch between driving, talking and screeching at your baby-on-board toddler in the car seat.
• 5. You benefit from preventing hearing loss by using the phone rather than blasting your eardrums with your over-emphasized, tectonic plate-moving bass boom box.
• 4. You can distract attention from that POS Volvo you’re driving by brandishing your combination phone-camera-gameboy-MP3 playing-tazer projecting-cigar lighting unit for all to see.
• 3. You are far safer yakking on the wireless than applying makeup (i.e. “women farding in the car” – per Rush Limbaugh) or plucking random hairs.
• 2. While most guys think that going for that elusive, deeply lodged booger while in the car is invisible to the public, it is definitely not. Using his wireless while driving will keep him from pickin’and grinin’ and will benefit other drivers who no longer have to witness the desperate green-gold mining operations.

And the number one reason . . .

• 1. When you use the wireless, it allows the person you called to accurately recount the events and your last words, prior to the impact, and the Good Samaritan who happens upon your accident will be able to quickly dial 911 after prying that wireless from your cold dead hands.